Everyone is shocked when they find out what I'd done. I don't know why. I feel emotionless about it. It's almost as if it never happened to me. I still can recall the first initial doctors meeting. I was given a calendar, some blue pills and some birth control pills. "Take these and come back in two weeks!" said the frail Philipino nurse. I can still feel the internal ultrasound poking and proding my insides. I can hear the doctor swooning over my uterus and exclaiming how beautiful it was and how comfortable the eggs will be laying on it......WEIRD......O_o?
Then September 27th came. I remember that morning, my ex-husband was so into facebook and texting his "homegirl" that he didn't even realize how surreal this situation was. I hoped and prayed he wouldn't wear them damn jean shorts and dingy H-town t-shirt!.., HE DID!!....Damn I hate him!!!!
***sigh.....anyway***
We walked in the part of the doctor's office we had never seen before. It was as if we had graduated to this room... We'd spent countless days in the front of the office, then to the back with an ultrasound machine with a 13 inch portable tv being propped up by an old white bucket, to this beautiful room that was dimly lit with a 42 inch flatscreen monitor. It was like another world. I lay back and spread my tired legs. Here goes that damn internal ultrasound, then some clicking noises then my cousin squeals!! What the hell is she crying about....Oh maybe it's that box that contains her offsprings..... I look over to my left at the big screen and see 5 microscopic dots falling in a single file line and landing on my cushiony uterus!!! lol.......gross huh?....but beautiful to me..... "lay there for a minute" said the mean hispanic nurse. She has always made me feel uneasy, but today i love her, she means more to me that she will ever know. Today her eyes are comforting. Her heavy warm hands calm me, then i find myself singing a praise song I've always loved.
"there is a sweet annointing
in the sanctuary, there is
a stillness, in the atmosphere
come and lay down the burden
you have carried, for in the
sanctuary, God is here"
This dim room became my sanctuary, it became a place of tranquility. And as calmly as those litle embryos fell on the floor of my uterus, the more calm my cousin, the nurse and the doctors became. And just like that it was over. The tubes came out, my legs were able to rest, the lights came on, and my journey began!!!
7,20,100,120,121,300,1200, I began to hate numbers!!!!!! hcG numbers annoy me. I never knew what a damn hcG number meant until i became pregnant with this baby!!!!! For every 48 hours the numbers rose it's a good thing...the baby is growing...you're gonna make it!!! But for every 48-72 hours the number does not double, it's not a good pregnancy, prepare for the worse, stop taking your medications! for 3 days those damn numbers did not double, they stayed the same!!!! I'm nerved up, my cousin is furious, crying. I spent the majority of those days blaming myself and my ex-husband. He whines and bitches about how I don't love him!!! "I'm on effing bed rest for God's sake!!!!" Look why dont you just leave and do us both a favor. If i stress myself out, i'm gonna lose this baby!" Looking back I kinda think that's what he wanted to happen. Around that time, I hated him. I hated the way he looked, smelled, whined!!!!He was such a bitch!!! So much to where i couldn't be. I despised him and his womanly ways....
Well back to these damn numbers. they stayed. i had prepared my spirit for the worse....I prayed that my cousin's heart will be lifted. "keke, no matter what happens, I thank you and i love you so much for what you did for me and my husband. I owe you my life!"
6 weeks, 2 months, 3 months.......in the middle of those months however hubby left, he said he's moving in with his mom (Thank you Jesus!!)....sorta bitter sweet. bitter because I was thinking "who am i gonna find to help me move all my ish outta this apartment?", sweet because I had been praying for this since before this pregnancy. I hoped he finally realized that he didn't fit in this new life of mine. I loved him, but this journey was much bigger that him or us. I disobeyed God for marrying this man. My life was dark, i was tired, morning sickness had taken over me. My heart yearned for the return of my "old" lover, and because of that, I couldn't be the wife that this lover needed. Then out of the darkness, I could see a familiar silouhette, I heard a familiar voice. It was him...the man in my prayers.. The "old" man! He had changed so much since those days of our youth. I've loved this new "old" man since i was 12.. and now he's back, I've prayed for this to happen too. When he came back (this new "old" man) it seems like the baby I was carrying livened up!!! Those damn hcG numbers quadrupled!! I felt her move for the first time. She had SO MUCH LIFE!!!! My new man took care of us, fed us stuffed shrimp and baked potatoes!!!! lol!!! He laid with us by the lakes and fed us grapes, cheese, and crackers on cold days in Galveston. He spoiled us like we were his own. He took us places that i had never been before. He treated us likes queens and princesses.
June 1st finally came. My new lover held my hand and walked me into the labor and delivery room. He kissed my forehead and told me everything will be fine. He prayed over me and told me how he wished that this was "our" baby. Uh oh! here comes my cousin...late as usual! lol!! All i can see is red lights and flashes, i felt like paparrazi had taken over the room and i was the star!!! Damn! here comes the nurse with all those damn needles and ivs. I've been feeling like a pen cushion for damn near 2 years! The baby has been sleeping most of the morning, i guess she figured she may as well get her last good nap before she enters this noisy world!!! Two hours since i walked into this room and now the moment we've all been waiting for is here. My eyes start to tear up because i've just realized that this part of my life is over. No more needles, no more ultrasounds, no more jabs to my kidneys and ribs...she's gonna leave me now.
I walk into this bright room!!! is this heaven?.....naw just the surgery room!!!! Epidural in, stomach sterilized, let's get to cuttin'! I feel a tug, thumb, spring noise, clicking, baby scream, now a grown man crying...it's her daddy.....sucker!! lol!! She's here, red, long legs, fat cheeks, asian like eyes. She's absolutely beautiful!!!! My work is done on this side. Time to move on now.. stiches, check! cozy bed, check! where's my sweet 6 year old??? oh ok, check! Now where's my man...there he is...I can rest now.....
To be continued.....
