I wish I had some awesome update of how much my life has changed. I wish i could tell you that I'm now a successful business woman, still fit and giving birth to baby number 3, but that's not the case. Life has not been chandeliers and champagne. It's hard, but God is faithful and I will keep moving. I've been battling depression, suicidal thoughts, tons of regrets and, some changes I wish i could change back.....
I will not give up. I will win. I'm still the flyest Super Fly natural chick.....just dealing with life. I'll be 36 in about 8 days.....We'll see what life will bring me. In the meantime.....stay tuned.....
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Friday, July 19, 2013
Dear God
God I'd like to thank you for restoring me and giving me a fresh start. I thank you for your everlasting love and mercy. I desired to bow before you. I desire to worship and serve you. I desire to make you my priest and King. You deserve all the honor and glory all the power. I lay before you meek and humble. I lay before a great King a wonderful creator and father. Lord you have been my sustainance. You have been my protector. There will never be a man as wonderful as you. Your ahve given me so many gifts and talents and i truly thank you!! Lord thank you for my gifts, thank you for allowing me to use my gifts for your glory. God if I forget please tug on my heart and put me back in place. I desire to obey and submit to you. You are my master and i desire to be a slave for you. I desire to be your most faithful and obidient daughter. Lord I love you, I worship you forever and ever. I praise you. I wish i could preach your greatness from the highest mountain. God direct me like a lost sheep. Use your had to guide me and push me to be evern more like you. Teach me to love, teach me to tell YOUR truth. Teach me to honor and respect you and worship and spend quality time with you. I love you daddy. I adore you. You are the best thing that has happened to me. you are the only one that matters. I put you before my husband, children, family and friends. I want to be with you and around you all the days of my life. You are so much more thatn all the diamonds, homes and cars the world can give me. You are worth far more than the money you've blessed me with. God i need you, I need you so bad right now. I need your strong arms around me. I need to hear your heartbeat. I need to hear your voice and look into your beautiful eyes and just be with you. I love you. Stay with me......
Love,
Andrea B.
God I'd like to thank you for restoring me and giving me a fresh start. I thank you for your everlasting love and mercy. I desired to bow before you. I desire to worship and serve you. I desire to make you my priest and King. You deserve all the honor and glory all the power. I lay before you meek and humble. I lay before a great King a wonderful creator and father. Lord you have been my sustainance. You have been my protector. There will never be a man as wonderful as you. Your ahve given me so many gifts and talents and i truly thank you!! Lord thank you for my gifts, thank you for allowing me to use my gifts for your glory. God if I forget please tug on my heart and put me back in place. I desire to obey and submit to you. You are my master and i desire to be a slave for you. I desire to be your most faithful and obidient daughter. Lord I love you, I worship you forever and ever. I praise you. I wish i could preach your greatness from the highest mountain. God direct me like a lost sheep. Use your had to guide me and push me to be evern more like you. Teach me to love, teach me to tell YOUR truth. Teach me to honor and respect you and worship and spend quality time with you. I love you daddy. I adore you. You are the best thing that has happened to me. you are the only one that matters. I put you before my husband, children, family and friends. I want to be with you and around you all the days of my life. You are so much more thatn all the diamonds, homes and cars the world can give me. You are worth far more than the money you've blessed me with. God i need you, I need you so bad right now. I need your strong arms around me. I need to hear your heartbeat. I need to hear your voice and look into your beautiful eyes and just be with you. I love you. Stay with me......
Love,
Andrea B.
Monday, May 6, 2013
confused......
So should I be mad that I haven't heard from her. I mean, I did carry your baby. The least you could do is call to see if i'm ok!!! Well maybe my thoughts are unreasonable, it's not like she owes me anything......Well then again.......let me not say that, you just never know who's reading your blog.
I feel used. Here I am 33 and i'm unable to have my own baby. 3 miscarriages in a matter of 1 year???? I'm praying for peace.
I feel used. Here I am 33 and i'm unable to have my own baby. 3 miscarriages in a matter of 1 year???? I'm praying for peace.
Friday, January 4, 2013
From the Mouth of a Surrogate Part II
**Note to reader you must read part one so that part II makes sense......here it goes....
Well the day to leave this room I had been so aquainted with has come. The new "old" man has managed to be with me all three days. He comforts me when he's there. My cousin, hubby, and new baby share a room next door. Every once and a while she comes to my room with the baby and sits there just staring at her...so beautiful. ***anyway****
The day is finally here..I'm excited, sad, happy, and nervous at the same time. I don't know what life has in store for the "unpregnant" me. I sit in my bed feeling regular, unimportant, irrelevant. All the attention that i received from family and friends has now been placed on that beautiful baby in the other room. I pray for God to renew me. For him to help me to not become emotional, to not drown myself and pity and post partum depression. Peace comes over me as I realize that God has a plan for my life. I smile to myself as i lay in this OH SO COMFORTABLE BED!! I've vowed to make this my go- to doctor and hospital if God ever blesses me with a baby of my own. ok..i'm back.... I call my new "old" man, he tells me "baby i'm down the street, will be there shortly!" He finally arrives, the nurse comes in loads me in the wheel chair and parks me outside the hospital. Self-pity over takes me as i wait on curb for my lover to bring the car around. I'm there with a balloon, ivy plant, and myself....kinda odd to be discharged from the maternity ward... The family in the car preparing to leave with their new baby keeps glancing at me. "WHY IN THE HELL DO THEY KEEP STARING AT ME!! I wonder, I bet there wondering "where's her baby? who is she waiting for? oh poor lady, i bet her baby died!" sigh.....speculators.... I try to avoid contact as to not welcome any unwanted pity smiles and/or questions from them. My lover finally finds his car and pulls up....THANK YOU JESUS!! FINALLY the stares can cease!!! He helps me get in the car, we drive away...I'm a bit sad as we pull away from this place.
We finally make it home. The days after have become fuzzy, I don't remember much. By week two I'm sick...mastisis...or something like that has taken over my body...mainly my left boob!!! OUCH!!! fever,shivers, weakness...damn!!! Go to the doctor, gets prescription, all is well.....
Well the day to leave this room I had been so aquainted with has come. The new "old" man has managed to be with me all three days. He comforts me when he's there. My cousin, hubby, and new baby share a room next door. Every once and a while she comes to my room with the baby and sits there just staring at her...so beautiful. ***anyway****
The day is finally here..I'm excited, sad, happy, and nervous at the same time. I don't know what life has in store for the "unpregnant" me. I sit in my bed feeling regular, unimportant, irrelevant. All the attention that i received from family and friends has now been placed on that beautiful baby in the other room. I pray for God to renew me. For him to help me to not become emotional, to not drown myself and pity and post partum depression. Peace comes over me as I realize that God has a plan for my life. I smile to myself as i lay in this OH SO COMFORTABLE BED!! I've vowed to make this my go- to doctor and hospital if God ever blesses me with a baby of my own. ok..i'm back.... I call my new "old" man, he tells me "baby i'm down the street, will be there shortly!" He finally arrives, the nurse comes in loads me in the wheel chair and parks me outside the hospital. Self-pity over takes me as i wait on curb for my lover to bring the car around. I'm there with a balloon, ivy plant, and myself....kinda odd to be discharged from the maternity ward... The family in the car preparing to leave with their new baby keeps glancing at me. "WHY IN THE HELL DO THEY KEEP STARING AT ME!! I wonder, I bet there wondering "where's her baby? who is she waiting for? oh poor lady, i bet her baby died!" sigh.....speculators.... I try to avoid contact as to not welcome any unwanted pity smiles and/or questions from them. My lover finally finds his car and pulls up....THANK YOU JESUS!! FINALLY the stares can cease!!! He helps me get in the car, we drive away...I'm a bit sad as we pull away from this place.
We finally make it home. The days after have become fuzzy, I don't remember much. By week two I'm sick...mastisis...or something like that has taken over my body...mainly my left boob!!! OUCH!!! fever,shivers, weakness...damn!!! Go to the doctor, gets prescription, all is well.....
***two weeks later***
I'm walking in the store and i feel something wet on my shirt...What the hell? I look down and milk is all over my favorite Juicy Couture Tee! I'm furious, then i'm reminded of when i was pregnant with my own daughter and how every damn time she cried my boobs leaked!! I stop in the middle of the store, pull out my cell phone and call my cousin. "What's wrong with Baby M, she's crying isn't she?" "Yeah, how did you know?" replied my cousin. "I'm leaking, she's hungry, feed her now!" I stressed. Silence falls over the phone. I can imagine my cousin pulling the phone from her ear looking at it and shocked by my request.."Wow! She is hungry, I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with her for the last 30 minutes! That's crazy keke!!!" she says.
I hang up, and feel tears falling down my face, the lady in the pasta aisle looks at me strange.I'm sad, because she's no longer with me, but shedding tears of joy because she's connected to me in some way. I'm happy again, and continue shopping.....
***one and a half months later***
Divorce is final, the new "old" lover and I have been going strong for a while, even talking marriage. We move into our own place...FREEDOM!!! I haven't heard much from my cousin and the baby...bittersweet, but whatever!!! Life is good, back to work....fired from job three months later......What? You're thinking i'm sad?.....NOT!!!! God has really been busy in my life. So many blessings and I'm feeling more is in store for me! The love and I have decided to marry initially the wedding was scheduled for April 2012, we both can't wait that long! December 31, 2011it is!!!.....lol! one month from now!!
**one month later**
We're married. Life is good. All the hurt and pain i endured about letting the baby go has been taken over with the life God has blessed me with. I'm adjusting well. People still continue to ask me "How does it feel?" Did they pay you? Do you ever see her? When will you have your own baby?" I begin to get freakin annoyed by all these questions!! What are you looking for? A sob story? I'M FINE! None of your damn business! Of course i see her she's my effin cousin! When I'm good and ready I will!!! Leave me alone already!!!!....I think to myself.......o_O
Baby M is growing healthy and strong i hear. I still hear her cry from the delivery, i still smell her, sometime at night if i lay really still, i can feel her moving or feel her tiny hear beat. I miss her. She was apart of me. I feel the baby blues coming on...I pray....ok I'm over it....back to my life...My husband, my babies......
***Present day***
Life is quiet now. Life is peaceful. I'm settling into this niche' of being a wife and mother to my own child. God has kept my mind in tact. I feel like that part of my life was a dream, like it never happened. Will i ever do it again? I don't think so. It was fun, but not a career changer.
Very few people have the opportunity to say "I was a surrogate" Surrogacy is taboo in a lot of places, especially for African Americans, so I can consider myself extremely special! I'm thankful that God found me worthy enough to do such a wonderful thing. It's still sorda surreal to me. Baby M is one now, healthy strong, and very striking personality resemblance to myself! She's full of life. She dances like her mom, athletic like her dad, and vocal like myself! I've left my impression on her. When i see her, i don't pick her up, but stare at her from a distance and just let her be her. I will let her find out how she was brought into this world on her on. She will find out how special she is. Her mommy and daddy wanted her so much that they took the ultimate gamble of using me...The goofy chick with the loud voice. I'm honored to be surro mommy, I'm even more honored that God likes me so much to make me one......
The faux bun......
I love this care free style. It' takes me all of 5 minutes to smooth and add the bun...
Here's what i used to achieve this syle
*Hair pins
*eco-styler gel
*rubber bands
*Miss Jessie's Baby Butter Creame
*Sebastian Drench Shampoo and Conditioner
*jumbo bulk braid hair ($1.99 at the BSS)
*Sanex Strips
-I shampooed and conditioned my hair with Sebastian Drench Shampoo and Conditoner
-After that i heavily moisturized with Miss Jessie's Baby Butter Creme....eeh...review later....
-slick back my hair in to a ponytail with the eco styler gel.
-Tied my edges down with Sanex Strips (you can use a scarf, but since i had them in my cabinet i figured...What the hey!!!)
-After my edges set I applied the bulk braided hair and losely twisted the hair securing the ends with a rubber band.
-Wrapped the hair around my ponytail, securing it with hair pins
-Finished with a fly pair of earrings and eyeshadow.....
-yelled into the other room....."ok baby, i'm ready!!!!"
Let the journey begin....NO...I'M SERIOUS THIS TIME!!! LOL!
So I've decided to use this blog as an outlet to track my length retention and hair journey!!!! I will post pics of all my styles and maybe a how to here and there!!!! I'm crossing my fingers and praying for God to give me strength!! This should be fun. ...........pictures coming shortly.....
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